Fertility Compass Part 2: How am I coping?

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How am I coping?

Your Results

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You’re an active problem solver. You feel better when you’ve done something to change your situation. That’s great, but the ‘waiting period’ may be tough going as you realise there’s nothing more to do to bring pregnancy closer.

Stay positive by using the ‘Waiting Card.’ This series of positive statements will help you regain perspective when you need it most.

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You like to share your feelings with others. Expressing how you feel helps release distress. It’s important that you let your friends know how they can support you.

Share the link to www.fertility.com with your friends, so they can understand what you’re going through.

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You’re able to confront situations that remind you of your longing for a child. Going into some social situations may give you discomfort, but the release you feel when you share your emotions – even a little bit – is positive.

If you feel in need of more emotional support than your partner can give, but don’t want to share everything with a friend, ask to see a psychologist.

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You have a positive way of looking at your fertility problems. You try to be optimistic and think about positive ways to solve your problems. This helps you stay confident through stressful times.

Be alert to your partner’s emotional state. Men and women are different. They communicate differently, deal with emotions differently and solve problems differently. They also tend to cope differently with conception difficulties. Being aware of these differences you can help you avoid misunderstandings and experience your treatment journey as a team. Be aware of the differences and turn them to your advantage during the treatment journey.

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You seek company or other ways to keep your mind off the issue. This can help during a period of stress and uncertainty. It will help you to feel better.

The pressures of fertility treatment can get the better of any relationship, no matter how solid its foundations. Work as a team and strengthen your relationship.

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Your partner may be using different coping strategies. Ask him to use this tool and compare the results. You may come to understand each other better.

Husband’s Results

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You’re an active problem solver. You feel better when you’ve done something to change your situation. That’s great, but the ‘waiting period’ may be tough going as you realize there’s nothing more to do to bring pregnancy closer.

Stay positive by using the ‘Waiting Card.’ This series of positive statements will help you regain perspective when you need it most.

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You find it difficult to share your feelings. Discussing fertility issues may be uncomfortable, but it’s important that you reach out for support. Your friends and family can’t help unless they know how you feel. Infertility is a sensitive subject and many people may not know how to react. Guide the conversation and help them avoid topics that may be hurtful or make you feel uncomfortable. Feel free to say you’re not in the mood for a heavy chat and ask what’s new with them.

Use as many sources of support as you feel comfortable with. Each will have something different to offer and you will find what works for you best. Let your friends know how they can support you.

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You’re able to confront situations that remind you of your longing for a child. Going into some social situations may give you discomfort, but the release you feel when you share your emotions – even a little bit – is positive.

If you feel in need of more emotional support than your partner can give, but don’t want to share everything with a friend, ask to see a psychologist.

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It’s difficult for you to stay optimistic. Your spirits tend to fail. Try talking positively to yourself. If you are not used to it, create a ‘waiting card’ for difficult moments. Transforming your mood through positive thought is a skill you can learn.

Stay positive by using the ‘Waiting Card.’ This series of positive statements will help you regain perspective when you need it most.

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You have difficulties finding things to do to keep your mind off your fertility problems. Perhaps you don’t feel as if you have the energy to make arrangements, but if you try, you’ll feel better without doubt.

With a little planning, the time will pass and you’ll find the strength to continue from one cycle to the next.  Use week-to-week planner to help balance your treatment with some activities you enjoy.

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Acknowledgement:

This tool was developed by Chris Verhaak, clinical psychologist from the Radboud University Nijmegen, Department of Medical Psychology. She wrote a thesis and published many articles on psychological aspects of fertility problems. She works as a researcher and as a psychotherapist in close collaboration with the department of reproductive medicine of the Radboud University Nijmegen, in the Netherlands.

Men are from Mars, women are from Venus.  Men and women behave differently.  We do not always react the same way to events and often deal with our emotions very differently. Though both my husband and I are active problem solvers, I’m the type who likes to share my feelings with others, while he finds it difficult to share his feelings. 

There are times when I feel sad or I would cry when my period comes when I hoped it wouldn’t and I would share my feelings with my husband.  Though he may seem sympathetic because I am upset, I feel that he doesn’t understand my feelings.  I feel that he is not that concern about our infertility situation and he is not cooperating with me to find a solution to our problem. 

But later on, I came to realize that although he may not be as psychologically invested in achieving a pregnancy as I may be, he has also his own share of emotional pressures.  In fairness, he is always there for me.  He accompanies me to all my check-ups and fertility work-ups.  It is also hard for him, because he has to cope with his emotional responses to all the treatments, while at the same time he has to show me that he is calm and strong.  He believes that in every relationship, there should be a stronger person and that is his role.  He might also fear that talking about infertility or its possibility will make me even sadder and more emotional, which he does not want to happen so he tries to avoid the topic, not knowing that talking through our emotions could be helpful for us.

So, maybe just because he doesn’t want to discuss infertility or doesn’t know how to comfort me, it doesn’t mean that he doesn’t care about me or he is not that into this infertility journey with me.  He feels the pain too and is as much eager as I am to have a child.  It is just that the way we handle this problem is different.

Knowing this enables you to understand your husband and yourself better.  People differ in their ability to adapt their coping strategies according to the problem.  We should work as a team.  We are one.  This infertility problem should make us stronger as a couple and strengthen our relationship.  Come to think of it, we married each other because we love each other and would want to share our lifetime together.  The baby is supposed to be a bonus, a byproduct of our love for each other.

“Where there is great love, there are always miracles.” --Willa Cather, American author

How about you?  How are you and your husband coping with your infertility journey?  Check it out here.